Animal

I know that my family has been at unrest for a number of years now. It's been a slow budding that's brought most, if not all of us, to this hard pause. But what I really need to do at this point is break down my own defenses, decontextualize my mother and father, allow the image of us all to be rendered without edits and escapist discontinuity. I've always looked down my nose at the emotive (re)claiming of one's identity as a means of self-affirmation and empowerment. But I might need a little help with this. I can roar and I can weep to great effect. More than grace I hope I can do this with animal sensitivity. I move stoically through these days with a gnawing fear that one day I will experience without restraint the whole capacity of my love for my family. So I work, constantly, to avoid it. I conjure false intimacies. I can not sit still in one room so I move from one to the other and keep on foot.

+

Originally this was going to be some kind of story, or narrative, or more simply, a recap of the past 3 years. I wrote and wrote but the entire deposit is too much to take the day after. So this is it for now. My animal at bay. He plants his seeds and keeps his bees one by one by one.